I believe in the things I am afraid to say

People always say the hardest person you have to be honest with is yourself. 

This isn't true for everyone. If you're a confident straightforward person, you probably don't struggle with this too often. For those people who have opinions and dreams but don't know how to express them, this is a constant struggle. 

There's that common expression "Don't judge a book by its cover." Try applying that to people. Cheesy but true. How many times do we brush people off by how they look or a first impression. Obviously you can't know everything about a book just by reading the back of the book. 

I am not claiming to be perfect at expressing myself or getting to know people. 

I've made countless friends who have beautifully unique minds but you wouldn't know that based on the first impression. I am that type of person you actually have to read and turn the pages. According to some I am difficult to approach or get to know, others are surprised when they start reading. 

I meet people all the time and generally the first thing they say is "Tell me about yourself." Suddenly my entire life flashes by. Where would I start? 

Im not claiming to be an incredibly interesting person but if people ask, I can only assume they are curious or just being polite. I normally stick with the basics: name, hometown, hobbies. The reason for that is because I am afraid to say anything else. The things I believe in or what makes me who I am are things I could talk about for hours.  

Spontaneity

I will confess I am generally a hypocrite when it comes to being fearless or spontaneous. But it is definitely something I crave. An example of this is not too long ago I was at a college event where, keep in mind it was socially acceptable and encouraged, you would walk up to a stranger and kiss them at midnight. And no it was not New Year's Eve. I told my friends I wasn't nervous at all. But when it came time to pick a handsome stranger, I almost chickened out. Key word: almost. I was eventually able to able to approach him and complete the fun ritual show our school spirit. 

I am not enouraging anyone to go out and start kissing random people, that is not the point. Im talking about doing things that people don't normally do. Start a conversation with someone on the train or in the hallway. If you think they are attractive then that's definitely an added bonus. 

More importantly put down your electronics and go out of your way for some good old interaction.  

Starting today, I am going to try to keep a little notebook of the different things and people I meet that I wouldn't normally. Consider it a small social experiment. 

Ray of Sunshine

Hello world. How have you been?

I am here to tell you that life happens. But everything will be ok.

At the beginning of 2015, life threw me a curve ball I was not ready for. I won't get into the long and boring details but the truth is, I didn't know what to do. Doctors were telling me I had a beautiful brain with strange brain activity. What was that supposed to mean?! All I knew was that everything had changed.

The first thing I decided to do was to rely on my faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has always been a comfort and the greatest blessing in my life. Instead of having a constant pity party for myself, I decided to rely on my Savior for just about everything. Best decision I've ever made.

I won't lie, I had good days and bad days. Still do. Everyone does.

But the best part about the bad days are the people who are able to turn them into the greatest days. Friends and family definitely did everything and anything they could think of to keep me happy. Their support was truly a gift.

On April 6th, my new upside down life was turned right side up. Life would not go back to normal but I had a new normal and I was incredibly happy with that.

I found rays of sunshine and happiness when it could have been dark and gloomy. As a result of these crazy few months, I dyed a small part in the front of my hair blonde and call it a ray of sunshine. When I look in the mirror it will be a reminder to me that life goes on and bad days are just days that can become spectacular. I hope when other people see my random blonde streak it will make them smile.

All in all, I am healthy, moving forward, and loving life :)

Waking up from a nightmare

Something I am glad everyone experiences in their life is having nightmares every now and again. I'm glad because then you wake up and realize none of it was real. These bad dreams make you appreciate reality.

This morning, I woke up after a bad dream relieved that it was just a bad dream. My mom woke me up and then the fun memory of what I did before I fell asleep came rushing back.

My mom's voice and spending time with a friend is the most comforting feeling after a bad dream.

Dear Trevor (Even though your name isn't really Trevor)

I first saw you on train, sleeping. My friends and I decided to try to guess your name while on the train. Eventually, we decided your name had to be Trevor. Thanks to the bravery of my good good friend, we found out your name isn't even close to Trevor. But that is ok, and here's why.

A couple of weeks after that, I got on the train with a dead phone and no book. For anyone who knows what it's like to be stuck on a train with no entertainment except looking out the window, you know how bad that is, But I looked up and saw you Trevor. Since I sort of kind of knew you (I knew your real name and creepily watched you sleep that one time with my friends) I decided  I should go over and say hello.

Never in my life have I ever expected to have such a fascinating, intelligent, and meaningful conversation with a stranger. You were honest and genuine, funny and random, and truly a stellar human being. You definitely are a rare person because no one is quite like you anymore.

Unfortunately, we never exchanged last names. So I have to either hope to run into you again on the train or hope that you somehow find this blog for me to really thank you. Not only were you very kind, what you said was something I needed to hear.

Thank you so much :)

I will not fit YOUR mold

I've come to a realization that I will not fit into any mold or stereotype that the world tries to put me in. Let me explain.

I simply don't want to be easily defined. 

However, this makes me a little difficult to get to know. I'm not traditional and by traditional I mean modern. I DO NOT LIKE TEXTING. But this seems to be the preferred way of communication of people these days. I am in fact an introvert. Which is unusual to people considering everyone has to be doing something with a huge group of people at all times. I'm very blunt. Most people don't know this about me because most people don't know me very well. But I promise complete and utter honesty if you ask me about anything. The only modern thing about me is the way I dress. And I am here to say that my clothes aren't trying to define me or tell you what kind of person I am, they make me happy. That's it. 

Why are people so paralyzed by what is considered normal or acceptable? IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY - SAY IT! I will admit that I am a hypocrite to this sometimes because being blunt with every person I see isn't always a great outcome. 

But what I really want to convey here, is that people have been telling me who I am when they don't really know. I am a victim of first impressions. I can't seem to go anywhere beyond that because of people saying "I know what kind of person she is." I KNOW most people don't have this problem. I'm just different. I want people to ask me who I am rather than check my Facebook page or claim know everything about me within the first 5 minutes of meeting me. I won't fit YOUR mold because I don't fit in to any mold. 

So, to the people who know me, or at least know of me, here's your challenge: do something completely out of your comfort zone or have an ACTUAL conversation with me for no good reason. 

Under Lightning and Thunder

Tonight I had the unique opportunity of seeing a friend that I haven't seen in almost 2 years. Let me tell you, it was interesting. Most of the times in these situations, you have forgotten how to act around that person, but tonight, it didn't feel that way.

I would love to tell you the story behind us, but tonight was all about moving forward. We sat on a patch of grass (hoping not to get struck by lightning) just talking about every thing we had learned and everything that had happened in the "Quiet Period" of our friendship. But more importantly, we were finally honest with each other about everything.

You know how thunder and lightning send kind of a jolt to your senses? Imagine having something to say to someone for 2 years and not having the chance to say it. When it finally comes out, it slightly resembles thunder and lightning, all at once and kind of shocking. You aren't necessarily afraid of what is being said or how the person will react, its just kind of a relief that its all coming out. So of course, we actually had our conversation outside under lightning and thunder.

This friend of mine is a stellar human being. I am so grateful for the example he is to me and I'm so glad he is back in my life. I may have burned all of his stuff and completely erased him from my life for a bit, but none of that matters because tonight we shook hands on being friends again :P

So, here is what I have to say to him if he ever reads this:
Thank you for seeing who I am. As simply Haley. (Period) It really means a lot that we are moving forward. I hope we go on adventures that are Snow Cones & Fried Chicken worthy and that we make new memories as good friends. I am definitely lucky to know you.  (Awkward silence. Hit play on Book 4 of Harry Potter on tape.) Just kidding :)

Introverts

I read this article/blog post about introverts and thought I would put my own spin on it.

So, if you're not completely aware of or sure about what an introvert is like, allow me to explain. I know a little bit about introverts because, well,  I am one.

1. We "recharge" alone. "We tend to get completely worn out by socializing." This is true. We enjoy being around people but in small doses. After big events or even just being with people, we enjoy having time to relax and "recharge".
2. We most likely hate crowds. Crowds are excellent.....for extroverts. As for introverts, we don't like not having control over our environment. We tend to blend into the background where we feel comfortable in situations like this.
3. Silence insn't awkward. "I can sit beside you in silence and not think we are having a bad time." We don't mind talking but if we don't feel the need to talk then its equally ejnoyable as silence. Also, I just enjoy being with people so conversation isn't a requirement. Silence really isn't awkward for me. BUT! Never tell an introvert they are "too quiet". That's just how we are, so deal with it.
4. We aren't shy. They may seem quiet to you, but if you initiate a conversation, you might be pleasantly surprised. Being shy and introverted are two totally different things.
5. Being extroverted is a bit of an allusion. "I have no problem getting up in front of a group of people and giving a talk. I don't even get nervous by a question and answer period. But - here is the thing -  Iwill need major recharge time afterwards and I won't be able to keep up this extroverted illusion all day. I can turn it on to dazzle a crowd, but if you take me out for lunch afterwards, I'll probably just listen to you talk. I am an excellent listener." 
6. Our "resting face". Did I get quiet? Do I have a mean look on my face? I'm not judging you; I'm just wrapped up in my thoughts with my "resting face" on. I might have even forgotten you were there." Seriously though!!! We aren't mad, we just aren't aware of the expression on our face 100% of the time.
7. We daydream. Introverts get really wrapped up in their own thoughts. We love listening and forming thoughts in our head and seriously analyzing what is going on. Me personally,  I daydream. I can kind of get lost in my own little world and forget about whatever is happening around me.
8. We're not the best at connecting. We normally wait for other people to reach out to us when we need it instead of us reaching out to people. 
9. We don't linger. After social events, we get our stuff and go. We don't linger or mingle with people to make plans, we leave. 
10. We have strong opinions. Introverts have very strong opinions, meaning, we know what we think but we don't necessarily have to voice them 100% of the time. Just ask us, we will be honest.

So that is my take on Introverts. As an introvert, verbal communication isn't my strong point with people but if you can pull me out of the clouds and have a decent conversation,  I can be pretty fun. If you want to read the original article that gave me my inspiration here is the link:

http://playfullytacky.com/2014/07/16/things-you-should-know-about-introverts/

You bet your left boot I'm afraid!

Im scared of a lot of things. Spiders mostly. But the things you cant physically see or touch are things that scare me the most. Well, not anymore.

A couple of days ago, I got on stage in front of a lot of people who I didn't know and who didn't know me.  I used this to my advantage to show them a little of who I really am.  Luckily they didnt boo me off the stage but they seemed to like who I was all about.

I don't generally need approval from people but that moment on stage helped me realize college is going to be fun :)

So, you bet your left boot I am scared to start college. But if it is as fun and as easy as getting on stage by myself, I will gladly take the challenge.

A Year of NO Fear

Once upon a time, I worked at the coolest place on Earth! :) I had the best adventures and met some of the coolest people in Utah :) Well, one day, a couple of these cool people (Who I know as Glitter and Sky) decided we were going on an adventure.  We went grocery shopping and then after decided to pick up a rotissary chicken for a snack. Yes.  I said snack. Well, while we were "snacking" in our car, we decided we wanted snow cones as well and there just so happened to be a snow cone shack in the parking lot where we we where. That was probably the funnest day ever because we were happy and well fed :)

So, what does this have to do with anything you may ask? I WILL TELL YOU! After this day, I decided that my blog needed a new look and a new attitude. So from now on, I am going to share with you my new outlook on life known as the the "Year of NO Fear". I never want to forget how happy I was that day: We had snow cones and fried chicken, it was raining like crazy, and I was with some of the best people I have ever known :)

You all know my story of my personal renaissance and how I became the person I am today. But now, I want to share with you what I am doing with all of these changes :)

I would like to introduce to you, my new and improved blog, entitled "Snow Cones & Fried Chicken"

My Box of Memories

We all do that thing where when we clean our room, we find something from a long time ago and then take a stroll down memory lane. Let's just say I took a stroll today.

I have a box in my room filled with drawings, cards, pictures, and random stuff  I felt like I might want later on down the road. I found some pretty interesting things in my little Box of Memories but I didn't get nostalgic or misty eyed over past memories. I rejoiced in the fact that I had objects that reminded me of those wonderful times.

I want to list a few of the things in the box:

• duct tape corsage
• white sash that has "Princess" written in gold cursive
• a picture of my very first high school dance with my date

Let's start with the duct tape corsage. Probably one of the sweetest, most unique guys I know made it for me when he asked me to homecoming. He dropped off daisies at my more a few at a time with tags that said "
Will you go to Homecoming with me?" Daisies are my favorite flower so he was pretty smart :) I learned a lot from him and I guess I keep that duct tape corsage as a reminder of how great life could be if you aren't afraid of being different. He made me braver in so many ways and I will always be grateful.

The white sash was from a really fun girls camp that I went to in Park City. It was a princess camp so we stayed in a hotel and we all dressed up as Disney princesses. I was Belle from Beauty and the Best and I wore that sash proudly because I honestly felt like a princess. I keep it because that was such a fun time :)

The picture of me and my high school date is a pretty great one. This guy was super awkward and really quirky but he knew me really well at the time. He asked me by filling up my room with balloons and candy and Dr. Pepper (back when I was addicted to the stuff). It was cheesy but it made me smile. The one thing that I really loved about that night was after the dance (which was in down town Salt Lake) we decided to walk around the Gateway for a little while. I didn't realize I was getting cold but before I could say anything his jacket was around my shoulders. This kid was really quiet and shy to most people, but with me, he was a really sweet friend.

There is something about all of these memories that they all share in common. I really don't talk to the people involved with all of those memories. I like reflecting back on these times in my life by going through my stuff but I'm not completely sentimental or sad. I choose to smile because those memories happened instead of crying because those moments are gone.

What's in your Box?

My #1 Fan

So I have played the piano for about 12 or 13ish years now. I love it! But recently I have taken up a new instrument. The guitar. This was a strange transition for my fingers but it is going decent enough.

Well, after I learned a few chords and barely mastered one song, I came home from my wonderful job and played for my parents. My dad gave me some of the best advice that I will never forget :)

So, you all know that I am weird and most days, I dress weird too. My dad thinks I am crazy when I wear my grandmas baggy fringe jacket/poncho/sweater thing but he always tells me that I am brave and that  I walk to my own beat.

Speaking of beats, today as I very roughly attempted to show my dad what I learned on the guitar (while wearing a flower crown in my wavy hair), I fumbled in a few places and quickly got discouraged. My dad then told me about one of his friends who was a guitar prodigy that he had always admired. He said that his friend told him that he wasn't always good at playing the guitar and that he slowly had to learn to perfect his talent. After my dad told me this story, he simply told me to never be afraid to make mistakes because that is how you learn.

My dad is definitely the best at making any crazy idea, hobby, fad, or weird random talents seem important. Whether it is photography, playing an instrument, or learning how to use Microsoft Word, he makes it sound so fun and fascinating.

After his little pep talk, he told me to just play the song without stopping to think about the mistakes that my awkward fingers were making. So I simply (attempted) to play the song. Surprisingly, that song sounded better after a few minutes.

I know that I will ALWAYS be able to do my best at anything as long as I have my #1 fan cheering me on :)

Thanks Dad, I love you more than you know :)

R.I.F.B.F.

I have a friend who lives on the other side of the country. He didn't always though.

He was my back fence neighbor and doubled as my first love. Yes, I was "in love" as a kindergartener. Then tragedy struck and my little crush moved to the other side of the country when we were in third grade. We stayed in touch by writing letters and I even kept the necklace he gave me with my initial on it. But by the middle of 4th grade, I was over him and kicked the idea of him, to the curb. 

Then, after years of not speaking, he returned to our home state and came for a visit. Reconnected after all that time (which wasn't actually long at all) we used Facebook and Skype to rebuild our frienship. Little did I know that nerdy little boy at my back fence would later become one of the greatest friends I could ever ask for. 

We talk about everything. Doctor Who, the meaning of life, religion, and any other little thing that we can think of. The cool thing about him is that doesn't think anything is weird and he is a great listener :) He can be a real friend and cheer me up from the other side of the country. Not all of my friends that I go to school with can do that.

So, to the little boy who I would talk to through the fence, you will always be my first love :)

To the boy who is one of my best friends now, thanks for being you :) 

(Plus he introduced me to the Supernatural TV series and I will forever be grateful!)

I'll Stand

Capture the moment

I love photography :) Always have. I like being able to take a picture of something random and seemingly insignificant and then editing it into something beautiful. My most favorite style of photography is candid photography.

I really like people watching. I know, sounds creepy, but it is so interesting. I love trying to guess what a certain persons story is. The stories I make up can get pretty entertaining. But what I love most about people watching is the little moments that go unnoticed by the rest of the world.

Now, I'm not saying that I creepily take pictures of people that I watch around me, I'm here to tell you what I've learned from people I know and don't know.

The little moments that you treasure the most are the moments you need to capture. Whether with a physical picture or with your heart. Honestly, I have yet to have a friend or be in a relationship that wants to stop and document the random moments that I consider the best memories. Maybe I need to become that person. Maybe I still haven't found them yet.

Capture each moment you feel you want to remember later.

The Hippie inside of Me

I guess I kinda consider myself a hippie. Sunshine is my favorite thing in the world right now and wearing shoes is starting to become a burden.  But in all honesty, the clothes I wear and the music I listen to doesn't make me a hippie. The way I think does. I love finding creative ways to describe my life and sometimes they sound a little strange. I told my friend that my hair looked like it was dipped in sunshine, my dad calls me his little flower child, and I try to be as strange as I possible. I want to enoy the simple things in life and make them appear magnificient!  I want to soak up the sun, spend summer nights with some stellar people, make colorful memories, and see how many stars I can count :)

So if I look strange and act strange, I am mostly strange. How I express myself should be a representation who I really am inside. 

Dear World,

I love my life :) It may not be perfect and it may not look perfect to you, but to me, my life is an adventure :) My life is going the direction it needs to go :) I'm growing up (slowly) and now I am fearless! Nothing you can do can scare me anymore. No more monsters under my bed, no more insecurites, just me against you. So bring it on. The people who care about me and love me, will stay where they are in my life. I don't need to be accepted by the people that fill the Earth, I just need the people I love :) I don't need magazines to tell me how to be "pretty". I feel wonderful in my own skin :)

So, unfortunetly World, our fight is over. Because I am me now. Not even you can change that :)

Sincerely,
(Insert your name here)

Kissing the War Goodbye

Now that I am finished with high school, its time for me to clear the air and set some things straight.

I lost a lot of friends at beginning of high school because I changed.  I felt like people would make fun of the person I really was. So, I put on nerd glasses (real, prescription ones), wore funky clothes, and joined the jazz band. I wanted to do things that made me happy. People never understood that and decided who  I was, wasn't me. Even with all of the people who walked out of my life, new people walked in and got to know the real me. It was scary and sometimes I wouldn't open up but eventually it got easier.

I am kind of a victim of first impressions. Because people knew one version of me, they assumed that was all there was to me. This is why I am quiet and kind of awkward at times. People don't interact the old fashioned way (actually talking face to face and spending time together) and that is the way I prefer to get to know someone, not over texting.

I will be honest: I am down right strange. This does not bother me in the slightest. I like being barefoot, listening to indie music, star gazing, and trying new things. I love being spontaneous and having silly, wholesome, fun! :) I would be more impressed with a person who showed up at my door one evening and asked if  I wanted to go star gazing with them than someone who sent me a text that says "Hey."

I am going on a mission. It's out there now! :) I can't wait to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints :) This is how I am choosing to serve my church and represent the gospel.

The end of high school marked the end of that extremely lengthy chapter in my life. I don't want to look back and get stuck in the past.  I'm not crying because it's over,  I am smiling because it happened.

If you already know me, let's start over new and fresh and forget everything that happened.  If you don't know me, I hope we meet and create new memories and have lots of adventures.

My fight or "war" of who knows me, how they know me, and what they think of me is over. I survived and now I am done with the awkwardness that is high school. I kissed it goodbye the day I graduated :) High school is only one chapter in the Table of Contents of my life.

Noise

Have you just gone through a moment in life where all you hear is noise? Almost like the world is just on fast forward?

Today, I had one of those moments.

I wont lie, I woke up tired but something about today...everything was noise. Instead of listening to music on the way to school, I just had a moment to think. Actually think and be able to hear myself. But when I got to school, my peers were on fast forward and full blast.

I'm not saying people should press pause and meditate, but just slow down and smell the daisies every now and then.

Defy Gravity

Upside Down

I just barely watched this movie. . . IT WAS FANTASTIC :)

I'm not your average, traditional chick flick movie watcher - I like the unusual couples and unusual plots. This movie is definitely unusual.

What I love most is that this couple in the movie eventually defy gravity and go against the norms of their societies. I don't think I would ever be in love with someone who lived in a world other than my own, but if I ever did :P I would hope we would try to defy gravity to be together :) I am still waiting for the day when someone will walk into my life and turn my life upside down. That's what love is, right? ;)

This is also a cute date night movie if you are a nerdy romantic like myself :)