The definition for the way I am using 'renaissance' is just below the title of this blog. I told you where I came up with the phrase but I didn't explain why it struck me so hard.
In junior high, I struggled with self-image a lot. I was always paranoid about what other people thought of me and that fear kind of crippled me. I tried to fit in but I also wanted to stand out and be my own person. So as you can probably guess, junior high involved a lot of inner conflict. I was insecure about certain social aspects but that all changed at the end of 9th grade.
I didn't like who I had become and I wanted to be someone better; I wanted to be the real me and not let anyone decide for me. Over the summer, I worked on my YW Medallion and received my medallion the week before I started high school. (For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically the equivalent to and Eagle Scout award only for girls) I felt like if I achieved this goal, I could conquer the world. I walked into the first day of high school with nerd glasses on, some pretty weird clothes, and I even joined the Jazz Band. (This was completely out of my norm considering I was Dance Company president in 9th grade). All the while I was clutching and always wearing my medallion.
A lot of people thought I was fake because I looked and acted so different. But I didn't care, I was me. This was my choice to be true to myself and I no longer needed that social acceptance from my peers. I was me.
I want to explain something that people always ask me about because I can get a little touchy about it. My look.
If you ask my sisters, they will tell you that I dress weird or different. My sisters are women of incredible style (They are beautiful inside and out) but their style just isn't for me. My mom always tells me I can wear what I want as long as it is modest and not too radical. (See https://www.lds.org/youth/for-the-strength-of-youth/dress-and-appearance?lang=eng) My dad agrees with my mom but sometimes when I come upstairs dressed for school he will look me up and down and just smile. Sometimes he will ask, "Is that what you're wearin to school?" But he approves. I am not vain about the way I look. I just want the outside to match the way I feel on the inside.
I really like to read so I use book metaphors all the time (Ask anyone) People only look at the cover of books when they first see them. They don't always take the time to open them up to see what is inside. Now apply that to me. I don't always open up to people right away so all they get to see is my appearance (or cover). If I wear a tan fringed shirt with a dream catcher in my hair, people are definitely going to think I am a hippie. If I wear a scarf, nerd glasses, boots, and have a cup of hot chocolate (because I don't drink coffee) people are going to think I'm a hipster (But I can't be classified as hipster because that would be too mainstream)
I dress the way I do that day because it makes me happy. That's it. I don't appreciate people telling me what to wear and what not to wear just because they think it's cooler or that people might make fun of me. I dress the way I do because I am happy with who the person is that is wearing the clothes - me.
Now, below the surface, I am almost completely different than that 9th grade girl. I want to hear about my friends' life, I want to walk outside barefoot when it rains, I want to make people smile (Because I Validate), and I want to experience the simple joys in life. No muss, no fuss, just plain and simple. Some people would say that I am a complicated, difficult person to get to know. (Hey, I'm a girl, we are all like this) I may not have social insecurities, but I still have insecurities. I may seem like the kind of girl who wants a boyfriend, but I'm not. I may hide emotions from people, but I still have feelings.
So, what caused my personal renaissance? My inner conflict finally ended and the real me finally broke through. I don't need acceptance, just respect.
I am who I am and I can't be no one else.
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